Tomorrow marks the long awaited release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. After endless months of fan speculation and trailer scrutiny, the movie will find its way to theaters and finally put to rest whether or not the bitter aftertaste of the underwhelming prequels is dead and gone.
I have to wait to until Sunday to see it, which means I will officially stop paying attention to the internet starting tomorrow, because the internet is a cruel cruel place of spoilers and broken dreams. See everyone Sunday!
[In honor of Jurassic World’s release and subsequent success, I am reposting the Jurassic Park entry of my old ‘If Craigslist Had Existed When’ series]
Staff Needed For Completely Safe Island Paradise To Work With Harmless Animals (Hawaii)
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Yet to be named island amusement park is seeking staff members for their grand opening to the public. Job will require you to relocate to beautiful Costa Rica where you will be helicoptered into the park past scenic waterfalls, while uplifting instrumental music plays for you.
Duties include zoo keeping, light janitorial work, leading tours of the park, data entry and making sure the animals don’t master asexual reproduction due to the unstable nature of their substituted amphibian DNA.
The ideal candidates are people who can keep a secret if, oh I don’t know, the wildlife somehow mauls one of the dockworkers beyond identifiable recognition (which totally won’t happen). Grave digging and document shredding experience are also a plus.
We are also looking to fill a few research positions after recently experiencing some unexpected vacancies. If you have ever been accused of genetic tampering or have been thrown out of a lab while the administration shouted, “This is not God’s work! They’re abominations!” then we’d love to talk to you!
We’re not really in the market for those overeducated types. The ones who get hung up on things like morals, ethics, common sense or would openly criticize the park’s owner for letting his grandkids take a tour of the park before it was deemed safe.
What’s that? Science makes your head hurt because it’s all so confusing and complicated? Well, we need computer programers, too! We are looking for talented coders and designers. We welcome applicants who may be overweight, chain smoke or have some experience running security grids that would keep the totally harmless and docile animals away from tourists and staff.
So apply now! Don’t listen to that string of slanderous posts put up by widows of ex-employees, claiming that this park is overrun by horrible, horrible dinosaurs, because that sounds like crazy talk to me. You will totally not be working with dinosaurs, because dinosaurs are make believe.
– Be good at climbing fences (in case electric fences suddenly activate while you are climbing them).
– Have a working knowledge of how dinosaurs would hunt you if they were hunting you (again, dinosaurs don’t exist, but it wouldn’t hurt to brush up on their hunting patterns).
– Be a calm personality, who won’t shout things like, “Oh God, they’re testing the fences! They’re getting smarter!” or “They got out! This is how it happened in my nightmare!” if something goes wrong.
– Have experience firing tranquilizer guns at agile, uncontrollable genetically engineered reptiles.
– Not have a problem signing a non-disclosure agreement that says you can never talk about your work, which is again, totally safe.
• Locations: Costa Rica, Isla Nublar, Isla Sorna, other assorted shady islands and B-sites.
• Compensation: Competitive pay, an exciting workplace (much better than the San Diego Zoo!) and the unique opportunity to wipe out an entire species if they free themselves from their cages.
• Please, no undercover investigative reporters applying for positions as catering staff. We do background checks and really, there is nothing to expose here at this completely safe and well thought out park, we swear.
Avoid scams and fraud by dealing locally! Beware of any employer preemptively promising that you will not be working with dinosaurs. It is highly likely that you will in fact be working with dinosaurs, despite their extinction during the late Cretaceous Period. More info.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens hit Comic-Con today and continued to build excitement past any healthy level when they unleashed a behind the scenes sizzle reel with some familiar faces and some completely new ones (Simon Pegg has a cameo as an alien? Amazinnngggg). I seriously cannot wait for this movie. Take all my money. All of it. Just take it.
If not, you should really seek out some of his work (along with the previously mentioned films, Iron Monkey and Flash Point are good ones) and see what you’ve been missing. His ten man fight scene in Ip Man is still a classic of modern martial arts cinema.
Yen’s inclusion in the franchise (along with members of the Raid being cast in Star Wars VII) is a refreshing bit of casting that demonstrates a clear attempt to include some stars of Asian cinema. It’s entirely possible that this is just an attempt to tap the growing Asian market and make the movie more marketable to an international audience, but either way, it’s nice to see some diverse stars in the franchise now with Yen, Iko Uwais, Lupita Nyong’o, Riz Ahmed, Forest Whitaker and John Boyega hopefully poised to take large roles in their respective films.
And it looks great. I see no reason why it won’t be solid as long as they maintain some of the book’s humor (which the trailer certainly hints at with Matt Damon’s science line) and avoid giving their scientists Prometheus level decision making skills. So, yeah, should be great. Look for it in theaters November 27th.
Pictures from the film adaptation of Andy Weir’s sci-fi thriller ‘The Martian’ emerged this week, showcasing Matt Damon fully geared up for the role of stranded (and loveably sarcastic) astronaut Mark Watney. The suit doesn’t look monumentally different from what we saw Damon in last year for his role in ‘Interstellar’, but it’s still cool to see him in uniform. Bonus shot of Kristen Wiig as Nasa spokeswoman Annie Montrose, too! For those who haven’t had a chance to read the book, it’s a great book that can pass as summer material if you don’t mind a heavy dose of science and NASA jargon tossed into your beach reads. Either way, be sure to keep an eye out for this one when it hits theaters this fall on November 27th.
Mad Max: Fury Road continues to impress with each new trailer they roll out for it. The mayhem present is unparalleled and if it weren’t for Star Wars and Furious 7, this would definitely be my most anticipated movie for the year. It really does look like it could be the two hour chase scene that some people are predicting. I mean, in a recent interview, Tom Hardy estimated that he might only have four to twenty lines in the movie. And he’s the main character. So, unless this is just generic trailer voice over, Max’s lines in this trailer could be the extent of his dialog for the entire movie, which would be kind of awesome if the only things he says are allegorical abstracts and he ignores all other opportunities to speak or answer questions like, “What’s your name?” or “Why is there a guy playing a flame thrower guitar on top of a dump truck?”