Ranking the Top 100 ‘Lost’ Characters

Ah, Lost. You beautiful hot mess. I’ve missed you.

With this past May marking the 10 year Anniversary of its final episode airing, I decided to revisit the show in earnest, something I hadn’t done in a decade’s time. And I have to admit, I was shocked how much of the show I had forgotten outside the impressionable first season and the muddled finale episodes. So much so that I thought it would be worthwhile to make a comprehensive character guide to memorialize the scattershot of characters on ABC’s infamous sci-fi island nonsense drama.

My only rule for making this list was a that character had to appear in more than one episode to make the rankings (although I’ve included a few single appearance character, so even that is a flimsy requirement).

But whatever, let’s do this:

100. Stuart Radzinsky

Radzinsky was the most frustrating season five Dharma dweeb and worthy of Lost’s all-time worst character title. Abrasive and irrational, and not in an amusing way like Artz or Frogurt, Radzinsky was a dull attempt at an antagonist in a season of floundering ideas. There’s a theory floating around that Leonard, the man who gives Hurley the numbers in the asylum, was a later verse Radzinsky, but honestly who cares? This character was the worrrrssst.

Worst Moment: Pushing the killing Sayid platform

Quick Fix for this Character: Have a piano fall on Radzinsky every episode

99. Horace Goodspeed

So, let me get this straight, Horace was so worried about keeping the truce with the Others, that when he captured Sayid, a man he believed to be an Other, he voted to kill him to protect the truce? I don’t think he gets how truces work. One-star review as leader.

Worst Moment: All of Them

Quick Fix for this Character: Make Horace a dancing robot

98. Phil

I cheered when Phil was impaled by that flurry of rebar. It was his finest moment as a character. Another bargain bin dharma dweeb dispatched by the Island.

Worst Moment: Attempting to kill Sawyer

Quick Fix for this Character: Have him fall down a well every episode

97. Jacob

Ah yes, everyone’s favorite resident island overseer/protector/Norman Bates. After begging Lost for answers, you almost wish they hadn’t given you Jacob’s backstory, because what you got was a dull Cain/Abel yarn, rounding out as one of Lost’s all-time worst episodes (Jack’s Tattoos and Aaron forced baptism are in the mix too).

Worst Moment: Realizing Jacob is pure nonsense

Quick Fix for this Character: Make him a talking animated cat

96. Mother

Woof. This character. Poor Allison Janney gets stuck playing Jacob and MiB’s unstable mother in the aforementioned trash fire episode. Silly nonsensical turns and wishy-washy lore bog down what should have been intriguing world-building.

Worst Moment: All of them

Quick Fix for this Character: More exposition to inform her actions

95. Ethan Rom

Ethan’s infiltration of the 815 passengers made absolutely no sense. He’s way too creepy for sleeper cell work. His resting creep face is a dead giveaway. I would 100% remember seeing this nightmare of a person if he was sitting next to me on a plane. Plus, I’m going to hold it against him that it’s later revealed that Ethan is Horace’s son. But as far as creeps go though, he’s a great creep. A+ creep work.

Worst Moment: Hanging Charlie from a tree

Quick Fix for this Character: Turn down the creep

94. Eloise Hawking

I truly believe the show had no idea what to do with this character, because she was full of platitudes, lies and nonsense. The faux Godmother of the island sacrifices her only son (a perfectly good Daniel Faraday) to the Gods of the island, because why? Because reasons. Boo!

Worst Moment: Sacrificing Faraday

Quick Fix for this Character: Sacrifice herself

93. David Shephard

You’re not a real boy, David! You’re just make believe! Shoo! Shoo!

Worst Moment: Mopey Jack

Quick Fix for this Character: Have Ben Linus play this role without any explanation

92. Dogen/Lennon

What a waste of Hiroyuki Sanada and John Hawkes. Why are people so committed to giving these two such terrible roles? Remember when John Hawkes was nominated for an Academy Award for Winter’s Bone? Or when Hiroyuki Sanada looked like the second coming of Toshiro Mifune because of his stellar work in Last Samurai? I do!

Worst Moment: The poisoning Sayid plan

Quick Fix for these characters: Give them both sunglasses and rename them the Dogen brothers

91. Bea Klugh

You wouldn’t be blamed for forgetting Bea, one of the many fake out “leaders” of the Others. Although it’s extreme, she does go out like a champ, choosing death-by-Mikhail instead of spilling the beans to the survivors of flight 815. But again, that route seems highly unnecessary considering what we later learn about the Others.

Worst Moment: Asking Michael to murder his friends in exchange for Walt

Quick Fix for this Character: Pick an early leader for the Others and stick with them

90. Oldham

The Dharma Initiative has a torturer who lives in a tent and torturers people by giving them tabs of acid? Sure, Season 5, whatever you say. William Sanderson is a solid character actor (see: Deadwood and Blade Runner), but even his reliably quirky energy can’t salvage this misstep of a character. This episode is torture itself.

Worst Moment: The glamping torturer  

Quick Fix for this Character: Have him torture Sayid with slam poetry

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True Detective Season 2 Teaser Arrives

The True Detective Season 2 trailer has arrived, teasing a lot of unhappy looking people doing unhappy looking things. Rachel McAdams, Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn all look the part, but I am most excited to see Taylor Kitsch of Tim Riggins fame and Kelly Reilly from Calvary involved. Reilly has a knack for solemn material and seems like a perfect fit for this series, while Kitsch is Tim Riggins, so he can be in everything as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if people didn’t like John Carter and Battleship. He’s Tim Riggins! He’s a Dillion Panther! He won state, man!

True Detective Season 2 returns to HBO on June 21st.

Best TV Shows of 2013

BreakingBad3I enjoy a fair bit of mainstream TV, even network shows like ‘Parks and Rec’ and ‘Community’, but the list I assembled for 2013 tends to focus more on the programs that may have gone under the radar. So, here’s what I got for the year.

Best TV Shows of 2013:
breaking badBreaking Bad – One of the greatest shows of all-time closed out with an ending that shockingly seem to appease most of the fan base. Not much to say that hasn’t already been said before, but I truly hope series regulars like Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul and Dean Norris get their pick of whatever roles they want in the post-Walter White era. And give Vince Gilligan whatever the hell he wants for his next show.

Streaming availability: Netflix

JustifiedJustified – ‘Justified’ continues to be my overall favorite show on TV right now, with what I think is one of the best characters of all-time in protagonist Raylan Givens. The, “Relax, you’re still in the limo,” exchange Timothy Olyphant has with Mike O’Malley demonstrates just how good this show can be even when Raylan isn’t shooting someone.

Streaming availability: Amazon Prime

hannibalHannibal – A surprisingly great show that has no business being on network TV, but manages to work anyway thanks to creator Bryan Fuller (Pushing Daisies, Dead Like Me), director David Slade (Hard Candy) and star Mads Mikkelsen’s quality work. Mikkelsen’s restrained performance as Hannibal Lector is as good as it gets.

Streaming availability: DVD only

broadchurch2Broadchurch – Consistently underrated British thesps David Tennant and Olivia Colman investigate the murder of a young boy in a small coastal town on this BBC drama. Rumor is that the American remake is already in the works and David Tennant will reprise his role as the wry lead investigator, DI Alec Hardy. The US version will apparently be called Gracepoint and will also star Nick Nolte. Sign me up.

Streaming availability: DVD only

Moone BoyMoone Boy – A sort of ‘Wonder Years’ infused comedy set in rural Ireland, this Hulu exclusive is the brainchild of ‘IT Crowd’ alum Chris O’Dowd, who also co-stars in the show. Initially registering as a bit of an innocuous show, there is something undeniably sweet about it (mostly contained in the priceless naivety of Martin Moone) and the more I think about it, the more I look forward to the second season.

Streaming availability: Hulu exclusive

Almost HumanAlmost Human – Another show that will probably be cancelled prematurely by the wonderfully reliable FOX network, but is worth your time if you like sci-fi. Nothing mind-blowing, but stars Karl Urban and Michael Ealy have a nice rapport and some of the futuristic ideas applied to the narrative are actually pretty clever. Only thing missing? John Noble. Please find some way to shove him into this show.

Streaming availability: Hulu

returned1The Returned – My patience often wears thin with ‘The Walking Dead’ and this French living dead (they’re not exactly traditional zombies) show is a nice chance of pace. A pinch of ‘Lost’, ‘American Horror Story’ and ‘The Walking Dead’, this eerie drama is top-notch. Also, if possible, download Mogwai’s score for the show. It’s epically moody.

Streaming availability: DVD only

topofthelakeTop of the Lake – ‘Top of the Lake’ is a kindred spirit in tone and mood to ‘The Returned’ (and also AMC’s ‘The Killing’), chronicling the story of a missing girl in New Zealand. Solid acting (especially Elisabeth Moss and Peter Mullan), direction and some first-rate scenery round out this Kiwi who done it.

Streaming availability: Netflix

obOrphan Black – Yet another BBC show on the list, ‘Orphan Black’ almost feels like a British companion piece to ‘Dollhouse’ and other Joss Whedon productions. Lead is next-level good on this sci-fi drama and if you were looking for a reason to watch the show, look no further than her.

Streaming availability: DVD only

attack-on-titan-1Attack on Titan – The surprise anime hit of the year is quite good, a sort of Kaiju inspired series about Titans that have all but eradicated humanity. Those that have survived the Titan menace dedicate their lives to training and killing the mysterious giants. The pacing of this show has its peaks and valleys, but make no mistake, this is one intense ride.

Streaming availability: Hulu & Crunchyroll

Game of ThronesGame of Thrones – ‘GOT’ is still solid, still has quality Joffrey slapping sequences, but has yet to encounter the most convoluted source material in the series. Here’s to hoping that creators David Benioff and D. B. Weiss are up to the task of simplifying ‘A Feast for Crows’ and ‘A Dance with Dragons’ into watchable material. They’ve done a great job so far, so I’m confident they’re up to the challenge.

Streaming availability: DVD only

Honorable Mentions: Psych, The Killing, Top Gear (UK), LutherBob’s Burgers, Arrested Development, Orange is the New Black, Homeland, House of Cards, Raising Hope, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Parks and Rec, Arrow, Community, Conan O’Brien

Looking Forward To In 2014: Wahlburgers, The Puppy Bowl, Sherlock, The Strain, Helix and that cop show that brilliantly decided to pair up Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey